Virgo Men.

honestly, i don’t even know where to begin. so, let’s just begin. 

two nights before twenty-four i sent the following prayer to my best friends and asked that they stand in agreement with me since the bible does say, “for where two or more are gathered, there i am with them.” [matt. 18:20]

“my god, please prepare whoever’s son’s heart now for the way that i plan to ruin his life and leave like the ain’t s**t that i am; soundproof the walls oh god for his neighbors may not want to hear all of that, but if it’s a bad b***h and she wanna join send her, lord, send her right to the door as you told us to love all people and i do not discriminate; provide both our bodies with supernatural energy, jesus, because we will be going round after round after round for it is cinco de mayo and we may as well hit five rounds lord; most importantly i lift my uterus up to you right now jesus, let the man-made birth control i take each day at 9:25 work to its fullest potential because i do not intend to wrap nothing up, my god said, ‘come as you are.’ and lord i surely plan to let that man cum as he is, in your holy name i pray, amen.”

my girls stood in agreement with me on my prayer and instantly i went to work, plotting on the very limited options i had to work with. 

would it be too forward to text and ask for birthday backshots? probably.

one night before twenty-four the living situation i had started making my mental spiral out of control and i found myself in tears on the couch at the sight of two ginormous roaches crawling on the porch when my best friend dropped me home while my little brother remained unbothered playing video games. i texted one of my group messages and let them know i was not okay. instantly, prince was hitting my line asking what i needed and if he needed to come pick me up. 

see, i had no water in my new house that i had advocated for to my brothers, so i felt 100% responsible for our struggle situation. ants crawled all over our counters, our couch, my bathroom floor. it wasn’t the ideal scenario i had promised, and all the emotions were sitting heavily waiting to be released. 

at first, i was conflicted about pulling up on prince. i have been messing around with one of his friends since january and i know prince’s desire to have sex with me complicates the entire situation. 

i knew it was too late to text christian, but i decided to try it anyways. 

no response.

i made it explicitly clear to prince that this was not a booty call and i would not be entertaining any of his foolishness.

y’all already know he tried it anyways. 

i continued denying all of his tricks until 5 o’clock in the morning.

finally, he rested. 

twenty-four i took a super long shower at prince’s, overwhelmingly grateful to have access to running water, made plans with christian for a “birthday drink” later that evening and i returned home to my brothers where i had hoped to make chocolate chip pancakes and eggs to go with my homemade mimosas. 

no running water still, five days now. 

sitting on the couch next to my older brother i felt tears beginning to form so i darted out of the house and hopped in my car. where i was headed, i had no idea, but i couldn’t sit there anymore. 

in the car, i found myself dialing my ex’s number and there was a lot of surprise in his voice when he answered the phone. i did my best to explain my current situation to him and before i knew it tears were flowing from my eyes and words no longer flowed from my mouth. he held space for me and offered quality advice on how i should go about handling the water situation. 

after our phone call, i found the strength to take my power back. i went to waffle house and ordered chocolate chip waffles, texted my brothers and told them to pack a cone, and played the new drake tape in my headphones. i refused to be defeated by these minor setbacks. 

once i got home my brothers and i had a wonderful birthday brunch. shortly after my best friend showed up with cake, balloons, and champagne. we got our things together and headed out for my birthday hike. 

usually i head out to the beach for my birthday, but due to covid-19 i had to improvise.

we found the perfect spot in one of the state parks and smoked blunt after blunt after blunt. the snacks were perfect. the music was well-paired with the energy of the day. 

i felt like i was living in a movie for sure. 

going to christian’s house always excites me because i never really know what version i will get that day: sometimes he seems to be so interested with me and who i am as a person, sometimes it feels like my presence is annoying him, sometimes i feel in the way, sometimes i feel right at home. his energy is undeniable though, just a genuinely good person, so i think. 

you ever met someone that you’re almost certain your soul has met in a past life? yeah, that’s him for me. i hear home in his voice, and i can’t get enough of it. 

birthday christian was legendary. super affectionate and hospitable. good music and funny clips on youtube. a bottle of hendrick’s, tonic water, and some lime juice. late-night pizza run. sustained eye contact. lots of cuddles. 

the next morning, he read the morning news highlights to me and we ate cold pizza for breakfast -- our last moments of intimacy before we began silently working in our respective spaces as if the night before had never happened. 

around lunchtime, i left, and i haven’t heard from him since. 

once i got home, i returned to no running water and a puddle of water in our front yard from a leak underneath our house. while my brothers and i prepared ourselves for a long-overdue conversation with our landlord, i went ahead and secured a place to shower later that night. 

off to jalen’s i went. shower and smoke were the only things on the agenda. at that point, sex wasn’t even on the forefront of my mind. 

my nights at jalen’s feel like one big blur. for two days i was a high zombie glued to the corner of his couch with no desire to return to the reality of my living situation.

jalen put me on to lots of s**t: supreme mathematics, honey vanilla chamomile tea, sweet spicy chili doritos and pineapple salsa. mal lacks affection though and the assertiveness to tell me what he wants. he received with no signs of plans to give. 

i’m sure ari lennox’s “whipped cream” was written about trifling a**n****s like him. way too grown to be acting so childish. 

i love that i can hold my own in conversations with d**n near thirty-year-old men. christian and jalen always comment on my age and how you don’t find me often in this life. 

in fact, christian’s birthday toast was “to more life, passion, and rare energy” and jalen spent two days telling me it’s rare you’re able to kick it with someone the way he’s able to kick it with me. 

but i wish they could hold their own in bed with me.