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i wish i would have listened to you when you told me sex was powerful. i wish i would have heard what you were truly trying to say that day and seen the things you were communicating in your gaze. lately, i’ve been thinking about that conversation often.
how naïve of me, a fifteen-year-old girl, to seek advice about losing my virginity from a sixteen-year-old boy, but i did the best with what i {thought i} had at the time. and as time has gone on, i have continued to learn about sex from the guys in my circle.
when i was a young, dumb seventeen-year-old i made the rash decision to trade sexual favors for weed from some of my friends.
actually, the use of the word “friends” there is definitely a stretch. peers, associates, classmates may be better a way to describe the relationship.
anyways, we made an agreement: i’d have sex with one, oral sex with two and the third person i had absolutely no desire to associate myself with knowing the vengeance his girlfriend already possessed for me. they scooped me from the crib and off we went to see the deal through.
oftentimes, people talk about how hindsight is almost always 20/20 and i cannot say that i disagree. here are a few red flags sent from the universe to stop me which i completely ignored:
i had to lie to my parents about where i was going to even be able to leave the house which usually is a clear sign you have no business doing what you’re doing. even now as an “adult,” when i make plans that probably don’t have my best interest in heart, i go radio silent with my friends. and sometimes, my homegirl’s intuition will kick in and she’ll call, and instantly we’ll laugh because we both know, “i have no business pulling up on that boy.”
we chose the location solely based on the fact that one of the guy’s mom wouldn’t be home till much later that evening. and it wouldn’t be a story to tell if everything went smoothly, so as to be expected his mom came home early. i had left my shoes by the door and the first thing his mom said was, “go ahead and tell that girl she can come out of the room now.”
in the car, as we moved from location one to location two one of the guys got a call from my best friend. we weren’t on speaking terms at the time, but i could hear the disappointment, shock, and disgust in his voice as they told him what they were getting ready to do.
all those red flags aside, i still moved forward. we did what we did and even though i had no desire to see it through, i couldn’t find the words to say “no” at the time. afterward, i knew i couldn’t go home right away, mainly due to the hickey on my neck, but also because i wasn’t prepared to sit alone and think about what i had just done.
the shame i attached to that moment weighed heavily on me for years and i carried it with me from sexual encounter to sexual encounter, relationship to relationship. growing up in a christian household, and being the child of two pastor parents, i always felt detached from god because of my inclination towards sex, especially premarital sex. i heard many times how much of a sin having sex outside of marriage was from children’s church in the early 2000’s to my purity ring dinner at sixteen.
the problem for me wasn’t that i was having sex, because i lied and stole and did other “sins,” the problem was that i had sex and i enjoyed having sex. the impact that had on my self-esteem, self-worth, self-image was immense. in fact, many of the serious adult relationships i found myself in were partially based on the premise that at least i could have consistent sex without sleeping around so it wouldn’t be frowned upon.
a lot of soul work and inner healing later, i have now come to the realization that the more of a spiritual being i am, the more of a sexual being i am. religion misled me to believe there’s a disconnect between the two when in all actuality there’s a direct relationship between spirituality and sexuality.
i have always admired erykah badu and jhene aiko and others for their divinity. it was my goal for 2020 to reconnect with my own spirituality. what i didn’t know at the time of the intention setting was that i’d spend six months, and counting, quarantined in my house. quarantine gave me ample time to reconnect with myself, my spirituality, and my purpose. it also brought up a lot of thoughts about my legacy. how will i want to remember this time spent? what story would i want my future kids (really my students, cause the plan for kids is nonexistent at this time) to hear about me during these protests, this pandemic, etc.?
and now one day, i’ll be able to tell them about the time i had an orgy during a global pandemic.
to know me is to know that i love a good threesome, i love people who can own their sexuality, i love all of it. i like to have open conversations about pleasure. i like to feel comfortable.
many of the sexual partners i’ve had were the homie at one point or became the homie following our sexual encounter. as a result, a lot of the people i have sex with have me on standby as their go-to threesome person. conversations often end with, “well if you ever find a third, let me know.”
my quarantine orgy went a lot like that. a friend hit me up and said, “i’m trying to make a movie today. you in?” with no questions asked, we went to work on finding a third. he had been sending me some girls and i was giving him my feedback, so imagine my surprise when he mentioned there being another guy present.
instantly, i flashed back to that day during senior year when i agreed to have sex with those three guys and the many days afterward when i had sex with my best friend and his homie for no other reason than to be f*****g on my best friend. all of that shame resurfaced, and i was faced with a decision. what remained different this go-round was that i wasn’t doing this for anyone other than myself: i wasn’t trying to impress anybody, i wasn’t trying to get at anybody, i wasn’t trying to do anything, but have an enjoyable sexual experience.
my one and only concern was being able to express myself in the heat of the moment if i began to feel uncomfortable. we came up with a safe word and i let it be known that i have the ability to revoke consent at any point and would be exercising that power if i felt it was necessary.
the orgy was nothing like i imagined it to be.
it was so much better.
you know how sometimes you have those friends that serve as the glue in a friend group?
like if they aren’t there, the other people aren’t hanging out type shit or maybe wouldn’t even be friends.
i was the glue of the orgy. pink hair and all.
self-love is the best love you can ever experience. take it head-on and watch how it changes your world.
