Stella.

if there’s one life lesson i cling closely to at twenty-four, it’s that all of life’s low lows are coupled with life’s high highs. 

the night i learned that my grandmother’s stage iv metastatic breast cancer had spread to her bones in her lower spines, both hips and a small spot in her lungs was followed by a morning of cozy cuddles, entangled legs, and backshots that broke my three-month sex drought. 

the night i found out that my planned trip to visit my parents was being canceled was followed by the story i am about to tell, the story of how cinceaux got her groove back… 

many people gave me nicknames like “social butterfly” and “life of the party” when i was a kid. what many people don’t know though is that i would often get horribly homesick despite how social i appeared to be. 

one summer my parents sent me to a three-week overnight camp in kansas city and i called home almost every day for the first two weeks in tears. looking back, i can see how a lot of those calls were me having an anxiety attack because that has lived out in my adulthood. when things feel extremely uncertain or uncontrollable, it triggers my anxiety. 

as a twenty-two-year-old, i found myself calling home in tears almost daily after moving out of my parent’s house for the first time to a brand-new state and going through a horrible break-up with my partner at the time. 

being able to acknowledge how stability and comfort offered by my home life are crucial when i am dealing with instability and setbacks in my personal and/or work life has led me to invest a great deal of time and energy into creating and protecting a safe space within myself. every now and then though i find rest in knowing that i can turn to the safe space my parents and i have built between us. 

with the transition to virtual learning, the covid-19 pandemic, and the current racial climate in our country, i have been putting in a great deal of overtime to “adult” my way through these dark days. much like a child, i am motivated by treats so i often encourage myself by looking forward to the reward coming at the end. i pride myself in being able to navigate my storms because it shows that i have grown from the person who used to heavily rely on, really damn near expect, others to navigate my storms while i take the passenger seat.

since school has been back in session, i have spent every day thinking about what i am going to do when i quit my job so to pull myself through the early mornings and the long days, i planned a visit to see my parents during the fall break. 

recently, i have been thinking heavily about my lineage and the women who came before me. i credit that mainly to a reiki session i had where one of my ancestors, a wise old woman, said “you’re close girl.” in that moment, i realized that i have never given much thought to my ancestry. since then, i have been thinking about where i come from and seeing my familial ties as bonds of humanity versus titles and roles. 

when i learned that my grandma had breast cancer, i instantly thought of my mom who lost her father three years prior, her grandmother one year prior, and served as the primary caretaker for her husband as he underwent his own chemotherapy. and when my mom reached out and said, “ce, you know you are always welcome home but i’m emotionally empty. so i want you to know what you’ll be walking into” i knew what my greatest gift to her and to all of those who have come before them could be. 

it broke my heart to know i wasn’t going to be seeing my mom, but it warmed my soul to be able to gain my mom’s trust to not mishandle her vulnerability and rise to the occasion. i cried hard that night, more so at the thought of all that my mom must be feeling with everything going on and less so at the thought of not being able to see my parents as planned. but the next morning, i woke up to the realization that what my mom needed most was for me to be there for myself fully to allow her the space to do the same. it was time for me to be a mom to myself, and a mom to this temple i am creating. 

the next morning, i woke up and felt fabulous. i felt good. i felt sexy. i snapped a pic of how beautiful my breasts were and shot off a text that read, “the girls looking oddly scrumptious this morning, figured you might enjoy waking up to them too. good morning sunshine.” 

a little flirtatious banter later and plans were set to go on an afternoon adventure on one condition: have me home by the lakers game. i logged out of my zoom class early to go throw outfits around my room until i found the perfect look for the occasion. 

we walked from his midtown apartment, through piedmont park, all the way to the gardens. on the walk over, he kept stopping to take pictures of me and then showed me how to use his camera resulting in an impromptu crash course on photography. 

for hours i walked him around the gardens and made sure to show him my favorite spot: gaia. i stood in as a model while he found the right light settings and angles, then we switched roles and i did my best to capture him the way he captured me. at first, i wasn’t sure if i’d ever get the hang of it, but as time continued to pass, i received less and less constructive criticism. 

the pictures came out beautifully. everything about that late afternoon adventure was beautiful including losing my debit card in the gardens and walking back to find that security already had it in their office. 

sometimes when i hang out with him though, i find myself overthinking how to react or what to say, or what energy to give off. in the moments when i lose trust or feel threatened or uncertain, i result to the defensive: a smart-a** mouth. lately, i’ve been working on that though. i have come to realize how sometimes my defense mechanisms prevent others from seeing how i truly feel and/or think. i have been learning how to have the courage to trust love versus the cowardice to give power to fear. 

…& here. while i wrote this to/about you, i really wrote this for myself as a reminder to be less defensive & guarded (which comes out as smart-ass remarks). all of that to say, thank you for allowing me the space to be & grow. i appreciate our friendship…

you constantly remind me of my humanity

& when you call me “queen ce” i am reminded of my royalty

& my softness

& the strength that exists in that space

& i appreciate that deeply.

you remind me that it’s okay to let people in.

that it’s okay to just be

& enjoy the present moment 

& trust that you’re safe.

your kind words make me softer, to an extent 

that i didn’t know i needed to unthaw.

you remind me of home.

i still hear it in your voice.

thank you.

i appreciate you, ******

“always & forever partna” is the response i received, and i went about my evening watching the lakers take game 4. much to my surprise, i was sent a double text response shortly after with one simple request, to be blessed tonight. 

as i rushed to clean up all of the outfits thrown around my room some hours prior, i had to take a moment to laugh at the irony of my situation. i made this mess to get ready for an afternoon adventure and now in the same hurry i had while trying clothes on, i’m putting these clothes up to prepare for an evening encounter. 

i came to the realization in recent months that when it comes to sex with men, maybe my role is better served as the ultimate giver. i’ve learned how to find joy, and pleasure, in being able to give a man the ultimate sexual experience while seeking nothing in return. simply put, i do to men what i wish, hope, and pray a man would take the time to do to me. 

since this realization, i have more actively explored the option of having sex with women. it wasn’t that before i wouldn’t have sex with a woman, but rather i didn’t have as many opportunities to as i have been experiencing recently. 

a couple of weeks before my afternoon in the gardens, i received a message from a friend simply saying, “question.” it took a bit of dialogue before she finally came out and said what she needed to say, “i want to ask something but i don’t want it to change like the dynamics of our friendship or whatever lol.” 

now if you’re anything like me, you already know what the following messages went on to say. matter of fact, i knew when she said, “question” that she had finally found the courage to ask what i have known she wanted to ask for years now, “would you ever do anything w a friend?”

the presentation of the question genuinely made me chuckle. so childlike and naïve. i had already talked to my homegirl about the situation before this conversation even took place and she helped me confirm what i already knew: i’d be able to handle having sex with this friend, but the main concern would be if my friend could handle me. 

i decided at that moment that i would not actively pursue a sexual encounter with her, but rather if the opportunity naturally presented itself, i’d see it through. and it did, so i did. 

to a playlist i made for him, in the bed he laid twenty-four hours ago, with his cologne still lingering in the sheets, she ate my p***y to perfection. song after song, twenty-nine songs to be exact. 

but what does it mean to be engaged in the best sexual encounter of your life and be thinking of somebody else? 

to be thinking of how their body moves when they climax? 

and how their breath moves through each chakra?